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03:01pm 03/11/2005
  no one reads this. or comments me. its all pretty pointless. i think i talk to one person on my friends list. oh well i guess im just that bored.  
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02:59pm 03/11/2005
  So, my birthday was last tuesday. The big one seven. For most people seventeen was really not that big of a deal. Surely they were happy to be another year older, but looking back at it, it was just another birthday. I didn’t think that it was a big deal either. I wasn’t going to try to make some big deal about it. So I didn’t, it’s just another birthday, and I don’t care about that. I don’t care that I’m another year older because I’ve accomplished more, and been through more than some 30 year olds. So yesterday I thought about a lot of things. I thought about exactly what I've done since my last birthday. My last birthday which to most normal teenage girls is a milestone. Sweet sixteen, or so they say. I was still getting over a broken heart. I had started doing drugs that I hadn’t done for a very long time. I was drunk and high all the time. I didn’t care about how anything I was doing could be hurting people. I cared about looking good to impress random men, just to make me feel better about myself. In the past year I’ve made tons of friends. I also ended up hurting almost all of them in some way, and lost most of them. It’s amazing how much I don’t even remember from this past year. I replaced the comfort of friends by falling in love with my nose candy and flask. The way I was acting, was exactly the way I always never wanted to be. I worked my whole life to be respected, and I was fucking it up. I toyed with hearts, and I toyed with minds. I hated myself, but I wouldn’t let anyone know that. So I made people love me and figured if so many people love me I could run on this ego trip. And I did for a long time. But it’s not worth it. I'm not saying drugs and alcohol fucked up my life. My life isn’t even fucked up. There’s nothing wrong with drugs and alcohol at all in my eyes. It’s just my reasons for doing them was wrong. I wasn’t new to cocaine, or any of the other drugs I was abusing. But when I was introduced to them, it wasn’t because I felt out of place or rejected in anyway. Sure I had my tough times, but for the most part it was the time of my life. I thought about every person I’ve met this past year, and how many of them I ended up hurting. Then I think…that wasn’t really me to begin with. So while getting clean again…for the sixth time. I was having a huge identity crisis. I wasn’t the same person anymore. I missed that. I missed being myself, but could these new found friends of mine accept me for who I really was. As of now not many of them know my past. A lot of people say who cares about the past. But my past is who I really am. Where I came from, and the people who were there, that’s made me who I am. What anybody I know now knows of me, with the exception, has no idea where I come from or what I’ve done. I came here not knowing anything about how this place was run, and I knew that there was one sure way I would make friends. So I made a lot of stupid decisions when it came to the boys that I met. I thought I was actually starting to settle in here. I had a boyfriend and a lot of friends. It all suddenly ended for what seems to be no reason. I still don’t know why. That left me feeling empty and that’s when I turned to drugs and booze again. I continuously went downhill, soon losing all the only friends I had somewhat similar interests in. I completely forget everything I had learned and was out to impress now. I was stupid. Not naïve for I knew everything that was going on. I knew that I was being used. I knew I didn’t care. I wasn’t with anyone whose opinions actually mattered to me. I don’t really know what I'm getting at. I just realize that in the past year I’ve hurt a lot of people, which in turn hurts me in so many different ways. It makes me realize that I need not to forget my past and where I come from. Respect is a really big issue with me. I know that I’m respectable. But the decisions I’ve made doesn’t show that at all. My father and the boys I was raised with would never want me getting drunk and high and going out just to be hit on by guys. That’s not who they raised me to be. They raised me to be the smart girl in those situations. It just hurts a lot knowing that a lot of the people I talk to don’t know where I came from, or the way I raised. And some don’t care. But it means a lot to me. Its just I’m not about to random explain everything to them. So I guess if anyone cares they can ask me. I’m not ashamed of it anymore, and never should have been. So I’m back to sticking to my roots, fortunately for me my roots include a lot of booze….and I mean a lot. So for all the friends I had this year that I lost, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t let you get to know me the way I would have liked. And to my new friends, well there’s a lot you don’t know about me, and unlike before I wouldn’t so much mind you knowing. So if you care just ask, and if you’re content with what you know now, then so am I.  
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03:58am 13/10/2005
  It gets colder day by day

The colder it gets the longer you’ve been gone it seems

Your not here to hold my hands when the icy autumn breeze numbs them

Sitting in doldrums I forget simple things

I forget that no longer are you here

To keep me warm

To keep me happy

To keep me from doing the things that once threatened my destiny

I have to do that on my own now.

Not for you or me alone

Not for my destiny

But for us

Anxious, I wait for the one thing that keeps me subsisting

The ominous indication of your letter

Are you ok?

Getting made over into everything I thought you never wanted to be

Is this really what you wanted?

Was my drunken lament expected?

But you let me see you as what I always wanted you to be

In love with me

In love with us

I dream of the day that you will come home

Not to me

But to us

Resisting the temptations of that prescription bottle

That lies next to the last few sour drops in the battered flask

I do it not for you and not for me

Not for my destiny

I do it for us

I’m willing to wait a lifetime

In the hopes that I can sing again without feeling empty

The way I sang to you

The way I sang for us
 
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03:31am 28/09/2005
 

the worst feeling in the world is caring about someone so strongly, greater more, when that person finally feels the same way back, but for whatever reason cant be with you to share it.

im ready to get back in to the swing of things. i wanna go out again, start meeting new people, get around to hanging out with people who ive been meaning to for a long time now. i wanna play more shows with my band. i want more people to go to these shows. i just want to...be again, i want to just do again.

so this sounds really corny, and that it is, but i dont fuckin care

hooray for myspace and stuff

 

 
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09:06pm 30/07/2005
  mercurio and marsh stole my cigarettes,....nonetheless it was a pretty fun night.  
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01:54pm 16/07/2005
 

ugh i feel like shit. i got  all sorts of wasted last night and apparently told multiple people that i was going to make out with myself because i was so hot......ahhhhh i think im still drunk

 
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05:31am 14/07/2005
 
mood: chipper

ahh so sorry for the neglect. but with myspace AND xanga, man this whole internet thing is crazy i tell ya! ....yeah. so i started a new band, pretty good if i do say so myself, umm kicked amanda out, shes now pregnant,....haha! carmas a bitch. for 3 months i had to take care of her like a fuckin child and now shes gonna pop one out herself. BAM sucks for her. went to the subhumans show on sunday, wooh good drunken times. idk not really much to say besides im still here, oh yeah im recording my solo stuff on tuesday, this time ill actually have enough copies to distribute so ill get them out to people this time, in case you want one. ......im hot!

 
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07:49pm 09/05/2005
  Bite the Kitty's ear!  
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04:09am 05/04/2005
 
mood: cynical
welly welly well. sorry its been so long i rarely have internet time since amanda moved in. i mean its cool that she did but i never really get any of that me time. theres always gotta be something going on. if she wants to go out everynight ....fine but i dont have the money to do so. so if theres a night i wanna stay home and knock back a few beers and play some video games, she thinks theres something majorly wrong. oh well. so ive been doing lots of bowling drinking and playing tar. i know not much has changed.
 
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05:27am 09/03/2005
 

everything seems so surreal these days. amanda moved in, were getting our house, im still looking for a band, ive made a few new friends, everything seems great, but i feel like somethings missing still.

 
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07:14pm 03/02/2005
  so since i had such a shitty last entry id figure id make this one a tid bit more exciting. ehh.....um...oh so today i went to best buy with mitch. ugh...i sang songs off of every cd i picked up and it was pretty funny. then ugh...now im home and im getting drunk. tonight ill probably play some guitar and sing some songs and try to take over the world or something of that sort.  
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12:49pm 03/02/2005
 
mood: cheerful
so i sleeped at mikes last night. fun stuff. me and mitch and tony and mike and mike went to dinos. everyone was there. good times. i drank coffee. that is all. later sex muffins
 
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08:22am 01/02/2005
 
mood: annoyed
so ive been flippin through peoples xangas lately. its all fucking funny to me. everyones just fuckin sad little kids it seems like. if everyone would just get over themselves and stop worry about the opposite sex so much everyone would just be happy. and as for all the fuckin shit with everyone saying " why cant everyone just get along" well im one of those everyones and its obvious why we all cant get along. were all very egotistical and opinionated. who really cares if all of our personas collide. and as for all this "i hate having to pencil my friends in" fuck that the only times you ever have to make time for someone else is if its for me. and to be honest i dont care if you guys would rather hang out with douche bags it really doesnt fucking bother me. sorry i had to fuckin get it out. anyway. getting drunk in crystal lake with my old buds...well its fuckin gnarly as hell what can i say.
 
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11:34am 30/01/2005
 
mood: awake
so it hasnt been long at all........not much has changed. i still wake up to my family fighting every morning. like right now....my parents are screaming at eachother about the construction on the house. i for one dont care. all i know is that i gotta get out soon and if its not voluntarilly then ill get the boot. ive been actually pretty happy considering all the shit thats gone down lately. theres been about 3 sober nights in the past month which is always a good thing. mark and mitch want me to go to a show on valentines day downtown. shitty show but hopefully ill find a valentine. next week all the daniolis girls (including myself) are going to go get tattoos together so im looking forward to that.  im also looking to getting on the internet more. cable internet is such a waste for me. but my moms a loser. well im off to go shower. good day.
 
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12:25am 19/12/2004
 
mood: ecstatic
blah blah blah i hope the guys are having fun in cleveland because i know im having fun. drunk drunk drunk. last night we just chilled in my hot tub and got drunk then watched movies and went to sleep. toniht im at my uncles and i havent been here in forever! looks like the plan is to party all night as usual. we've been jamming for the past 3 hours and it feels awesome to be playing with the old band. hooray.
 
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01:47am 17/12/2004
 
mood: anxious
all the guys are going to see the lost prophets in cleveland this weekend. lost prophets can go fuck themselves but im not really sad that there leaving. because my old band is a coming to town! franky and the boys are coming and i couldnt be happier. for the first time in a long time i can actually fuckin be myself instead of being quiet so as to not piss anyone off. i think that once the guys get back there probably not gonna be very happy with me because ill probably be different then right now. anywho. chicago is fun and i love my boys. ive got a show on saturday which means money and fun and booze. good night.
 
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03:16pm 13/12/2004
 
mood: angry
last night fuckin blew ass all over town. last night i was high. im honest when im high. and honestly, my friends dont like it when im honest. bridgette called me a whore and i really really really wanted to kick her ass. i was more pissed off at the fact that my friends thought it was funny that she called me a whore. thanks guys way to be there for me. they fuckin think im a fuckin joke and im fuckin done. seriously its fuckin lame as hell. ya know what is lame as hell. christmas. i hate christmas. all my life i never had to deal with it but then jerry came around and now for some reason my household celebrates it and its fuckin stupid. i work for a reason. and its not so i can go fuckin blow my paychecks on people who i dont like and dont like me. last night we had this huge talk about my emancipation and how the fuck am i supposed to move out when there taking my money. i think i might wanna just go to the city and get an apartment there. spikes and franky are gonna help me start looking for an apartment and maybe some roommates. which will be kick ass because i will be away from this fuckin shit hole.
 
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07:10pm 05/12/2004
  everyones going to chilis i for one do not want to go to chilis i want to play guitar. goodbye  
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05:07pm 04/12/2004
 
mood: angry
fuck this shit!
 
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06:09pm 03/12/2004
 
mood: restless
its weird how things can go downhill so fucking fast. i talked to kevin the other day.i found out a lot of shit. hes on this new medication that makes him not emotional in anyway. its was really scary for me. on top of that he told me that rob was in the hospital with a clogged artery. its just so fuckin scary. i mean i care about both these kids so much. and its like if something happens to rob then  it automatically has an effect on kevin. so i have to worry about both guys and how eachothers situations are going to effect eachother. i fuckin miss them so god damn much. so theres that. theres the fact that no matter what i decide i want to do about anything its going to upset mitch. which sucks cuz hes my buddy. oh...and i got fired today. so its been really really really shitty but i think im gonna be alright. on a happier note i bought my bald dog a pretty yellow sweater with a fuzzy purple collar. so now she can be warm AND stylish.
 
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